Two months

Two months from today our Lucy girl will be born! Actually I am writing this at 7:15am so right about now on April 27th I'll probably be getting my spinal and Jon into his scrubs for my 7:30am surgery. It is such a weird thing knowing exactly when your baby will be born. If you would have talked to me yesterday at 7:30am, I would have thought Lucy was coming later that day. Ford woke me up nice and early at 6:30a and Jon was traveling for work so I plopped him in bed with me, put on Bubble Guppies, and tried to close my eyes. As I was making us breakfast I started feeling intense pain in my abdomen. It wouldn't go away so I assumed it was cramping and decided I needed to guzzle tons of water since I just got up. Over the next 30 minutes, things drastically changed and I was basically on the ground sobbing having what I thought was contractions. I couldn't stand, couldn't sit, and Ford was very concerned. My doctor is about 25 min away and opened at 8:30a so I did my best to dress myself and Ford (between holding my stomach during the pain, crying, and trying to coordinate with my sister to meet me there). Like I said, Jon was 3 hours away in Houston, what are the odds, and I could tell he was upset that he wasn't with me. Like a crazy lady who may have been in labor, I drove myself in traffic to the hospital 25 minutes away. There was no way I could have waited on someone to come pick me up and take me, I felt Lucy's head pulsing down on my pelvis and the faster I got to the doctor, the better. I gripped the steering wheel and practiced some breathing that I've seen on TV (I never took a birthing class for Ford) and by the grace of God, I made it safely. As I drove I prayed out loud obviously for this to be false labor but that God's protection would surround me and my baby girl and that His will be done. If is will was for Lucy to be a 31 weeker, then she would be. I know He is sovereign over all and has known Lucy's birthday since man walked the earth, no sob of mine could change that. I prayed that my nerves and anxiety could be replaced with His peace and loving hand. I needed to be strong for Ford, for Lucy, and for myself. Every few minutes Ford would look in the carseat mirror and say "Mama!" and smile at me. What a gift that little boy is and I am still in shock that I am being entrusted with another.

One side note. If you remember my pregnancy and birth with Ford, I never went into labor. I actually don't think I ever had a contraction until Pitocin was cranked up during my induction, barely even a Braxton Hicks. So feeling these pains felt like what I thought was labor. I read so many birth stories that start with feeling yucky and crampy and slowly turn into labor. I had nothing to compare it to and knew I needed to see my doctor asap. I kept thinking, oh great, I have chosen a scheduled C section and I go into labor. What are the odds.

My sister met me there and grabbed Ford as I hobbled into the doctor. They were able to squeeze me in right away with a PA, my doctor is in surgery Thursday and Friday mornings, and I was hooked up to the contraction monitor. It brought back a flood of memories because my week overdue with Ford, Jon and I were in there everyday hooked up to that machine for at least an hour. Funny thing about second pregnancies. I was pretty calm considering I was alone. Jon was 3 hours away and there was no need for him to rush back home until we had answers but the first time mom Ruthie would have been freaking out. If God meant for me to be wheeled into a premature C section alone (again!), then that would be our story. I was glad that no contractions were being picked up since I am only 31 weeks but it was also discouraging because the pain was so intense and happening every 2-3 minutes. They did a cervical sonogram to make sure my cervix wasn't shortening and within 5 seconds of insertion, the PA said, "WOW! That is a big head and big baby." Ouch. My cervix looked thick and long, no reason to worry about labor, but Lucy is sitting very, very low with only a little fluid between her head and my cervix. She also said second pregnancies are a lot more painful because your hips and pelvis may be a little more spread than before, causing baby's head to be really low. I tested negative for a bladder infection (which I was hoping to have so I could explain the pain) so they let me go home saying rest, Tylenol, and heating pad. Womp.

Taking care of an 18 month old isn't exactly the definition of rest so I spent all day and evening at my mom's house until Jon came back into town. I was still having intense pains and the only relief I could get was on my side laying down. I slept for 2 hours and basically sat the whole day. By the time dinner came around I felt 100 times better, but not 100%. I really have no idea what it was but I am very thankful that I sit here today, 8 months pregnant, growing a big and healthy girl. So many thoughts ran through my mind yesterday.... we haven't taken maternity pictures, the nursery isn't done, I have a girls trip next week, and my baby sprinkle is tomorrow! I also cried many tears thinking "what if this was my last day with Ford". I know it's inevitable that Lucy comes but I am not ready yet, emotionally or physically. Knowing that she COULD come at any time (I have friends who have given birth around this time, 31 weeks) I want to spend the next 8 weeks soaking up the sweet moments where Ford is my #1 priority. Jon and I are having so much fun with our little guy, who seems to be learning 20 new words a day, and I know he will still be just as cute when she arrives, I will just be twice as busy. I keep telling people that you kind of forget a baby comes after pregnancy, especially when it is not your first and you have other kids taking up all of the space in your brain. This pregnancy has proved to be a lot harder than Ford's which I couldn't have ever expected. I should have known it was a girl, she's already giving me a run for my money.

I realize this post is getting long and drawn out, I just had to write down some of the emotions I was feeling today after such a weird day yesterday. Not sure what I would do without family close by or my faith knowing that God's sovereignty is supreme in every part of my life.

So Lucy Joy, please keep cooking. We will see you April 27th!

No 2 days are the same

The thrilling and sometimes trying thing about parenthood is that no 2 days are the same. There are days where I am killin' it in the mom department (my baby is enjoyable, I've gone to the gym and playdate, I can get chores done because naptime is legit) and then there are days that just kinda suck. And those days always seem to fall on Mondays. I feel so blessed that most days are good days around here but that one bad day can really throw you into a myriad of questioning your parenting skills, your domestic and wifely duties, and even just personal esteem. That day for me was this past Monday. The day started out wonderful... Ford slept til 8... EIGHT people!...I took a morning Zumba class with a girlfriend (which I hadn't done since Ford was tiny in my belly) and we ran some errands. Post 1 hour afternoon nap, that is supposed to be at least 2 hours, is when all hell broke loose. Now that I am 5 days removed from the afternoon, I think I blocked out most of the crying, whining, screaming, holding, shushing, but it is worth mentioning because of this...

It got better.

Jon got off of work and I went into the other room and silent cried. No Ford didn't hit me or color with permanent markers on my wall... I was just emotionally bone dry. I needed to let some tears out to....well just to let them out. About an hour after Ford was down for the night I took a hot shower and had a little epiphany. I got out and went right up to Jon and said, "you know what I just realized. Sure the whining and crabby-ness is annoying but I am Ford's mom and he wants me. I am his person, his comfort, and his safe place". I've said it before that I don't do well with clingy babies, it's just not me. I LOVE cuddling with my baby and holding him and playing with him but I don't swoop in and pick him up every time he calls me (which if you have a toddler, you know it is every 10 seconds "mama!" "mommy!" "maaaamaaaa!"). There are times when he doesn't need me but just wants my attention, and there are times where he needs me. And there will be a time where he doesn't need me and even worse, doesn't want my attention. It's the long, trying, days that drain every ounce of you but also foster incredible growth as a parent. I think it's so crazy how such a little human being can bring me to tears because I just love him so much, but at the same time can bring me to tears out of frustration.

So yes, a downfall of parenthood is that no two days are the same but it is also such a sweet high of the gig, especially at the stage we are in now. Tuesday morning brought a butt load of new mercies and I can honestly say this has been one of the most fun and special weeks Ford and I have had thus far. His new thing is kissing. He's been blowing kisses and giving kisses for a while but now he is obsessed. Last night during our family Advent time, Jon was reading and he kept going back and forth between us, giving us some awesome, open mouth kisses. We sing a special night night song before bed and during the 20 seconds of it, I get about 8 kisses from him. Thank God for little things like this that make the crying, whiny, crabby Mondays worth every second. And thank God everyday is a new day in parenthood.

Shirt c/o Art Feeds

Art Feeds believes all children are artists. They exist to feed creative development and facilitate emotional expression in children through art and community. To do this, they provide free therapeutic art and creative education programs within schools and children's organizations by mobilizing teams of community members to bring all forms of art into classrooms. To learn more, visit www.artfeeds.org.